From the Wikipedia article: By the 1920s, Anna Jarvis had become soured on the commercialization of the holiday. She incorporated herself as the Mother’s Day International Association, trademarked the phrases "second Sunday in May" and "Mother's Day", and was once arrested for disturbing the peace. She and her sister Ellsinore spent their family inheritance campaigning against the holiday. Both died in poverty. Jarvis, says her New York Times obituary, became embittered because too many people sent their mothers a printed greeting card. As she said, "A printed card means nothing except that you are too lazy to write to the woman who has done more for you than anyone in the world. And candy! You take a box to Mother—and then eat most of it yourself. A petty sentiment!"

So the big guy called me up and said, "Maddie, I'm going to need your help this year. Times are rough. I've got three reindeer down with the flu, the elves are demanding hazard pay, the price of coal is way up, and Christmas is in danger of being canceled."


Well, when Mr. C. says he needs your help, you can't say no. So here I am, all suited up and ready to fly. Soon, we'll be taking to the skies, delivering presents to all the good boys and girls.


I'll be checking off his list, while he does the heavy lifting. Though I may get to help out with a little bit of special "stocking stuffin'", if you know what I mean. 'Cause Christmas can't be canceled. Not if I have anything to say about it. Folks are countin' on us.


So Merry Christmas to all! We'll be flyin' by your house soon. Are you going to need me to put in a good word for you?

In which Maddie takes her role as Friday greeter at the store rather seriously... perhaps too seriously for this time of year...

"Thanks for coming in and Happy Holidays," said Maddie, wagging her tail as she followed the woman to the door.

"You mean 'Merry Christmas,'" replied the shopper, placing her hands on her hips and looking Maddie in the eye.

"No," replied Maddie, shaking her head. "I said 'Happy Holidays.'"

"That's cute, little doggie, but you should say 'Merry Christmas,' after all, it's the reason for the season."


"No it's not," said Maddie, flatly. "It's the earth's axial tilt that causes the seasons, the 'obliquity of the ecliptic.' I read that on the Internet." She leaned to the left, as if to illustrate her point. "It's twenty three and a half degrees."

"It's a lot warmer than that," said the woman, looking through the door at the sunny day. "And you really should say 'Merry Christmas.' It's the only holiday that matters."


"Oh phooey," said Maddie, shaking her head. "I say 'Happy Holidays' because it's plural. There's a bunch of holidays in December. I read all about it on the Internet. More than just Christmas. I say 'Happy Holidays' 'cause I want you to have a happy Sinterklaas Day, a happy Finnish Independence Day, a happy Saint Nicholas Day, a happy Saint Lucy's Day, a happy solstice, a happy South African Day of Reconciliation, a happy Human Rights Day, a happy Emperor's Birthday (that's Japanese), a happy Boxing Day, a happy Hanukkah, a happy Kwanzaa, and a happy Eid al-Adha. And that's just a few of them."


The woman started to say something, but Maddie continued, backing her towards the door. "And furthermore, I think you should have a festive Festivus, though I'm pretty sure somebody just made that one up, a triumphant Egil Skallagrimsson's Day, a gaja Zamenhof Day, a stupendous Saturnalia, an excellent New Year's Eve, and a Merry Christmas. That's a lot of holidays for one month. And I want 'em all to be happy. So you'd better get busy..."

As Maddie was explaining, the woman backed through the door, got into her car, and drove off.


"...if you're gonna have Happy Holidays!" called Maddie after her. "All of 'em, not just Christmas."

Behind the counter, I just shook my head. "You know, Maddie," I said. "Sometimes you can be a little intense."

"Oh, foo," said Maddie. "I just thought she needed to know. Why just settle for one holiday when there's so many?"

"So do you have a favorite holiday, Maddie?"

Maddie thought about this for a moment, then said "Oh, Christmas. That's my favorite. 'Cause there's food. And presents. And songs. And I get to see Grandma."

Say, if you're one of those ultra-cool folks that friended me after World Fantasy (I'm talkin' to you, onyxhawke, rhonawestbrook, krswails, kelly_swails, stevenagy, lonfiction, and retrobabble) or if you're one of the people I lamed out on last year (*cough* queen_bbb *cough*), or if you just want me to send you something rockin' for your stockin' (and think I may have forgotten to put you on the list), now would probably be a good time to make sure I have your mailing address.

Just drop me a line over at Apeshit! Media (and don't forget to remind me who you are, just in case), and I'll be sure to put you on the mailing list.

Oh, and Happy Holidays (whichever they are)!



* due to the fact that USPS no longer offers surface mail, if you're overseas, you get something *virtual* for your stockin'. Sorry 'bout that.

This year's show will include my short story "The Killer Fruitcake that Ate Petaluma," which is a little bit of Orson Welles, a little bit of Arch Oboler, a little bit of Christmas cheer, and a whole lot of home. Catch it if you can!